I promised I’d post this yesterday, so for better or worse, here it is (some tenses changed for coherency).
I’d been in a bad mood all day because Laura and I got into a fight that morning. (Lunch was a brief reprieve, because I got to see a few friends I hadn’t seen in awhile.)
Anyway, Laura and I really didn’t fight. I was (and sort of still am) just upset because I feel like lately we never have time to have sex.
There, I’ve said it. I think I really need to tell someone about this, and, well, I guess the blog is it. (You know, since I’ve had a blog, all my serious email correspondence has gone to shit. I can’t even remember the last email I sent someone that was longer than a page — those used to happen daily, damn it.)
Anyway, we have sex at most once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. Sure, if you’re not in a relationship, once a week seems like the holy grail, but when you fall asleep naked next to someone, and wake up the next morning with a hard-on pressing into their ass-cheek every morning, you’d think that proportion would dramatically increase.
I don’t know what it is. Obviously there’s a combination of things. We’re both busy as hell, and never end up going to bed until Laura’s so tired she falls asleep before my head hits the pillow. (Most nights I’m up way later than her anyway.) For whatever reason, she doesn’t like to have sex first thing in the morning. (I’m not exactly prince charming at that point either.)
Lately, (ok, the day before yesterday) the frustration was unbearable. Jerking off doesn’t seem to help because it somehow just reinforces the whole neglected feeling, and doesn’t really help the sexual frustration. (That doesn’t seem to make sense logically, but it’s true, I can give myself at least 3 orgasms and still feel “horny”, but one “sex orgasm” and I’m usually spent.
Am I insane to get upset about this?
I love Laura, and don’t want to do anything rash. I think I’ve made it clear that this is not at all a threat to our relationship, it’s just that I wish she would DO something about it. And, so far at least, she hasn’t really shown any sympathy whatsoever.
This is not the first time this “issue” has come up. I have definitely felt sexually neglected before. I know at least one time previously we talked through it, ended up having great sex, and the problem went away for awhile. This last “dry spell” has lasted at least a couple of months. Let me clarify that I’m not saying I want sex on a daily basis. Even twice a week would probably be sufficient.
On top of all this, I think a lot of our friends assume that we have this great sex life. I’ve had some recent conversations that gave me this impression. Laura is doing those parties where you sell sex toys. She’s hosting her first one this week. Everyone I know is going to be hanging out at our house, talking about sex and buying sex products from her. Something about the juxtaposition of that fact and this “situation” seems to exacerbate my frustration.
Maybe someday I’ll regret posting this, but I’d seriously like to know what people think.
The plot does thicken… because Laura and I have an open relationship. I could probably solve all of this by just finding someone else to sleep with once a week… I do occasionally think about it, but finding someone willing to be the “other girl” ain’t easy, and as I’ve already mentioned, I don’t exactly have oodles of free time.
Well, I’m going to stop being a whiny bitch now.
</rant>
You’re writing like it’s Laura’s job to do something about the situation. It’s not. It’s yours (yours collective couple-yours, not you-pig-yours, I mean).
It’s okay to be sexually frustrated and upset, but you’ve really got to come up with something better than “honey, please fuck me more often” if you want to solve the problem.
I agree — this is a solvable thing ONLY if you’re both committed to solving it. And the time issue is one you should address right away — busy shit will get the best of you if you let it. Making time for intimacy, for play, for all the cool shit that leads to sex, is SO important. We forget that — but really, letting all that other shit interfere with the reasons for why you’re together — is so unfair. So, sad as it sounds, try a date night. They don’t have to be as cliche as you think. And if you take turns planning cool, adventurous, intimate, wild, fun, crazy, odd, things to do — you might be able to create more space to DO IT in. Take it from someone in the 10th year of a relationship. If you don’t make time to make it — and create the right space to make it in — (I know I’m using the terms ‘make it’ - but it’s very tongue in cheek here) — you will ALWAYS find something better to do. Something will ALWAYS get in the way. Don’t let it. Make your intimacy a priority and treat it like you treat other priorities. You need to work to live. You need to eat to live. You need to be intimate with your partner to live.
That’s my 2 cents.
hi.
Hmmm… I’m unsure where I implied that Laura ALONE needs to enact change for this to work. Of course we both need to work at it, that’s the point. I feel like I’m the only one. In fact, I feel like I’m running against a brick wall.
I like how you (Yami) say it’s both our responsibilities, but then turn around and say that I am the one who needs “to come up with something better than…” (I also resent the pig comment.)
A date night is a good idea. Even before reading these responses, I’d already asked her out to dinner tomorow. We have had a rough day today, but I think maybe we have worked through much of this.
The pig bit was wholly tongue-in-cheek; sorry if the jocularity didn’t come through, I don’t actually think you’re being piggish at all. Perhaps I should have gone with “all y’all” and been done with it…
Whew. I’m glad to hear it. I was actually kind of upset at the thought that you did mean it.
Dinner was good, (and after-dinner) and I think any animosities have been absolved. Maybe I’ll post a longer-term post mortem when more time has passed.
Oh, and mopsa, your comments were extremely valuable. Thank you.
mopsa gives the best advice. she’s like the dear abby of our generation.
i too liked mopsa’s comments. my primary partner and i have fairly different “ideal frequencies” of sex — and on top of that, she has a serious (and more recent = more exciting) other love interest, so we’ve had to really work to keep the spark alive. we’ve been trying hard to make dates with each other, especially to do new things that we haven’t done together before… and it is definitely injecting some joy and novelty into our relationship — and, to some extent, helping to align our patterns of desire.
the other thing is, explore your feelings and her feelings — what puts her in the mood? what puts her *out* of the mood? what emotional needs of yours aren’t being met (since it’s clearly not just about a quick orgasm), and is there anything *besides* having sex more often that will fulfill those needs?
also, be compassionate. if she’s not in the mood, be empathetic to what her mood *is*.
pick some other time — when neither of you is tired, nor feeling rejected or pressured or anything — to talk constructively about each of your desires, sex-wise, in a big-picture kind of way.