1998

Once upon a time I kept a journal of brief mindblurbs. Random brain noise bits I tried to wipe out onto the keyboard at least once a day. Usually they were one sentence long, but if I felt particularly feisty, I’d blort out as much as I could muster.

This is a page of old mindblurbs, and no longer gets updated.
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1/6/98
This day jungles by at a dizzying ape-like velocity.
It mashes its fists into banana leaves and walnut branches,
obsessively fondling fauna as it flies by.
These days are all a jungle jumble.

1/13/98
New squeaks and whimpers come from inanimate objects in my room.
Those lovely housemates are now a burden,
given to obscure poetry, I can only endure their noises so long.
Whistles and divine mumblings,
murmurings and shrapnel alluding curses,
prayers and angry explicatives,
aside statements, confusingly they speak to themselves,
all are muted, fortunately, in the night
when I turn off the lights and computers, electronics and all else.
Still, I hear the coughs from upstairs,
my brother’s hacking cigarette karma,
floating down as a transitory bird of night,
an elusive stag in a forest of silences.
All ghosts are auditory in nature.

1/19/98
crevasse, mirage, oasis

Deep in skyline, dug out of the fissures of your body,
I find structure in your essence,
Complex structures, like the double helix,
Grand monoliths and cathedrals of skeleton structure.
These eye-slavers take me
Throwing my apprehensions aside
As if my will were a brittle chocolate.
I crumble for you—as you devour me.

2/1/98
Now in this unfathomable unfamiliar breadth of space, I’m alone.

2/3/98
drunk master, you unfold me, spread me out in infinite space
I am yours, bellybutton slave,
I am you in savings, you pushing a shopping cart,
I slime a sticky circle,
you push me, you smite me, you surround me, you send me.

2/9/98
I sit on edge, plains all take me over, like sunken ships, like the vortex at the edge of a
tornado, like a volcano’s hot pump deep into the center of the earth. I’m sucked in, feeling
the length of nowhere, feeling the depth of nothing. Feeling the stretch of infinity on a
makeshift line into zero. I feel the plain, the plain flakes one level of me away after another,
the plain planes my existence, shaving away at my self.

2/16/98
all well on the eve of destruction:
I sit against the chair like it’s a viper, teeth held out—pointy staples—and every inch of my
back is tingling with the unfelt venom, I hoover away from it, my pockets are empty but
there are lint eaters in there, and I think they swallowed my last penny, I have hairball
eyelids and shooting star circumcision, teething on a rubber monster-truck tire I have all
the teeth I can handle, I file them down periodically. Now I need to make amends, I broke
her skin on accident. I have no consolation, there are food baskets out, and I have some
elephant breakfast, but it doesn’t help, I’m still hungry, like a hungarian, and my pen is dry
red, got a spout at the end, both of them, you can tilt it upside down and it doesn’t write, but
the ink is still there, like an unopened letter.

She’s a changed man.

2/17/98
a large orange truck
driving away from the city
driving over the state line
sitting on the other shore, park bench
holding hands, warm, tiny, long fingers
kissing, “wow” lips sliding
walking, throwing snow into the river
sitting again
a dock, surrounded by ice
“do not jump on the dyke”
truck, hill, watching a toy city
shivering together
kisses take the cold
truck, city, apartment
three rabbits, hamsters, us
skins and sex, lips and skin
coffman, bedroom, bed
skipping class, kisses,
my house, backrub
abrupt farewell.

2/21/98
anyone here from minnesota?

Love is a lick and a click away,
all fingers hold the keys.
All day I sampled night.
All night I sampled skin.
Virtual is real and real is virtual,
lives are multiplied and divided.
Mine are skinny, and shampooed.

***
Wanted: someone with whom to share my life:
fears angers agitations
lovesickness loneliness
dating dreaming down-time.
This person must:
not be afraid to try new things
not mind if I try new things
take me seriously
sympathize care and be compassionate
arrange themselves around me
allow me to arrange myself around them
immerse themselves in me without fear
allow me do the same
be honest
want sex
have their own opinions, goals, expectations
bring those opinions, goals, expectations into the relationship
love to read
love to cuddle
think rationally (within reason)

2/23/98
an evil villain crouches at the door, dismal eyes, black lashes, lash me.

3/2/98
waiting in the wings are the microcosmic evil-eaters
they sink their fangs into your flesh
savoring your flimsy skin
wickedly swallowing every wet slab of blubber

3/3/98
Now the slab of butter lays down to sleeep.
Its pillow is a hot hot piece of bread,
the butter prays to the king of buttery-goodness,
keep my essence! the butter prays
low and behold, the flavor of the dead butter
is spread evenly upon the bed of bread
it’s dead, but it lives on,
buttery-goodness is served.

3/9/98
walking down greek street, the smell of falafel and lamb,
you smile like a circus clown, I drink your fresh hairs

3/19/98
That headache full of sleep deprivation, the humiliation
skank sunk skunk … a rode the pony in slow motion
eyes hulking

3/22/98
What waits on this night
paws turned inside out,
fingers like grappling hooks on your heart, what waits?

What is it waits
for your stray thoughts
drift uncannily into an open desert of longing?

What could it be
her devilish messenger
sent steady to steam your passions? what foul beast?

What waits on this night
hungers and feasts
then leaves you gnawed upon, what waits?

4/2/98
In the million dollar question, those who know the answer gain only a little bit. Those who
fashion the question gain immensely. Those who are the answer do not gain, but are
themselves already ahead. Those who are the question… they are saviors.

What is the question?

4/8/98
gosh golly, god in galoshes!

4/24/98
nests of these asphyxiated birds, the whole lot all cooped up, crooked eyes and beaks that
sink into flesh like dolphins into water’s depths.

5/4/98
magic darkness mania
sunglasses stay on all night
vampires swoop down on helpless victims
Of course Vampires would burn in sunlight,
their metabolism is so much higher, their
skin would be so much hotter. Damp cool places?