difference of parts

Dan came over last week
and admitted he couldn’t remember
the simple mathematical procedure of division.
While Nate ridiculed him,
I realized that some specifics
were fuzzy in my mind too.

Fuzzy like last night,
when you wanted me to clean
and I just wanted to relax.
This simple procedure —
picking things up and
putting them someplace else —
was a headache, a fuzzy hole
in my happiness.

And the whole night we were divided.

You slept without touching me.
I woke to your absence.
“What?” you said.
I left for work.

It’s the part about remainders I don’t remember.
When you’ve got the numbers stacking downward,
I know there’s some subtraction involved…

And what is a remainder anyway?
Just some arbitrary number left over,
left out of the real answer.

And in the car, I imagined all the things I left out,
unsaid apologies and explanations.

Now I figure,
as long as the numbers come out even
we’ll be fine.

blog on the river quai

I’m planning a trip this weekend to Madison WI, for their local MadFest (juggling festival). (Parenthetical tangents for those who follow the link: I’ve always liked that toaster graphic. For some reason, it reminds me of another graphic I found recently on memepool, this guy with a Kleenex head. (complete with tissue sticking out the top). I was specifically looking for graphics to spruce up the desktop of a friend’s computer here at work. Of course, the friend had two monitors, so I found a picture of the ebay Home Game, and tiled that on the other screen. Last weekend I saw that very game on post-x-mas sale, and almost purchased it for $10.)

For some reason, I’m really looking forward to getting away again. I’m not sure what it is, but my life is more and more frequently something I want to escape from. I’m not depressed, more wanting to travel, I guess.

Well, this post (and the obligatory browsing it inspires/requires) is merely a short intellectual stretch before I go sit for mind-numbing minutes in my sister’s auditorium, watching her Jr. High choir performance. Wish me luck!

sufferance of indulgence

Today I discovered William Gibson has started blogging. In a little over a week he has written more than I can consume in a lunch-hour of blog-reading ecstasy.

My weekend was filled with performance and indulgence. A group of us went to see my friend Dave perform at Patrick’s Cabaret on Sat, followed by homemade baklava (courtesy of Kristin, who is an excellent chef, despite the baklava’s blackened edges–which were still good!), followed by a particularly fun exodus to Balls at midnight.

On Sunday, Laura and I accompanied another friend to The Circus of Tales at the Theatre de la Jeune Lune downtown. As unexciting as parts of the show were, it still got me excited that this kind of thing is actually happening in Minneapolis. The show felt a little disjointed, and the “circus” aspects seemed to have little to do with the “story” aspects (something cirque has gotten better at over the years, in my opinion–so maybe it’s hard to do).

After the show, we were going to go see a local Drum and Bass group (called simply: T), but Laura’s ID is old (expired), so the bartender wouldn’t let us stay. (It was just as well, the band hadn’t even set up yet, and we were already kinda tired.) But the more I thought about it, the more I really wanted to punch that bartender in the face. I mean, it’s not like the ID was faked or anything, it was merely expired. Laura thinks we have 6 months past expiration to replace the ID, or something like that. I called DMV to find out exactly, but talking to anyone there is like trying to talk to anyone at the UofMN. (Press 1 to hear a list of options you don’t want. Press 2 to hear another infuriating list. Press 3 to return to the previous list of options that had nothing to do with why you called.) So I sent them an email instead. We’ll see if anyone replies.

So then, to kill some steam, I decided to stop by cheepo and see if T has an album there. They don’t, but I got this album of Volante remixes (aptly titled “Remixes”). It’s pretty cool, but I’m going to stop listening to it now before I stop thinking that.

Work continues on getting up an “about” page (with statistics). So far, I know this blog (before this entry) was about 46 thousand words, and this is the 301st entry. More stats forthwith.

audience drama — more stage metaphor

Yesterday it came to my attention that someone I don’t know very well has read my blog. Someone I wrote about in a not very flattering way, actually. (And no, it’s not George Bush.)

It was a very interestingly timed revelation, considering my last post.

Even before this information came to my attention, I was planning a followup post to the one I made yesterday. I suppose it was going to be a post about audience.

I have never really addressed the question of who this blog is written for. (or if I have, it wasn’t definitive, and/or I can’t remember it). I suppose, when I write, I imagine an audience of random strangers, while at the same time acknowledging that some of my friends read it, and no doubt more of them will in the future.

Here is the crux of what I had planned to write: Someday, my mom will read this.

I do not write this blog for my mom. But I know, someday, perhaps sooner, perhaps later, my mom will come upon this blog. I have known this since perhaps the beginning, although it is more certain now that I host it on livingtech.net (and not blogspot, where this blog had its humble beginnings). Anyway, Hi mom!.

Now, those of you who know me well (and or know my mom) should know that my mom reading this would not really affect what I write all that much. Maybe a little bit less about sex with Laura, and threesomes, but well… she can handle it. She’s a MOM, after all.

But all this begs a question: “If you know your mom will eventually read it, why don’t you just tell her about it? I mean, she’d probably love to read it!” And it’s true, my mom would love to know that she can read my journal, online, updated almost every day. She would, no doubt, be my biggest fan.

But I want to prolong that day as long as possible.

Mom, I hope that doesn’t upset you.

There have even been times when I felt guilty about NOT telling my mom about my blog. Not often, but more than once. Especially when I feel particularly close to the blog, and that blogging is a big part of my life. My mom should know about these things!

But she doesn’t. And good thing, because I want to talk about subjects like french kissing a friend of ours on new year’s eve while her husband was downstairs and Laura was standing behind me, eagerly looking on! That’s good stuff!

But there’s always that voice in the back of my head, repeating, someday my mom will read this. Someday.

OK, so I got through that. Obviously, this is a personal blog. I write about things that are exciting to me — things that strike my fancy — and usually those things are aspects of my life.

Finding out that O read my blog, or at least the relevant entry was not particularly disturbing, or frustrating. (There, I’ve said/linked it, and particularly thorough readers, or readers with photographic memories, will now know who I’m talking about.) It was maybe a bit startling, but, well, this thing is on the internet. Google is one of my most frequent visitors. And now O knows that a) I think he’s not a particularly nice guy, and b) I liked his CD so much that I raved about it on the internet. Big deal. I don’t dislike O, and I’ve never really felt that he disliked me. I had kind of assumed, actually, that he acts that way toward everyone. An assumption that was perhaps not apparent from my initial post.

The point, one of them, is that this stuff is all the truth as I see it. My blog, for the moment at least, is entirely non-fiction, (poetic license aside) and I am not ashamed of anything — more because of lack of shame on my part than lack of things to be shameful for. I’ve always said, “no regrets”, and I have none. Nuff said.

improv blog

When I first started blogging, I wanted a forum where I could “write and walk away” (to paraphrase mopsa and quote Natalie) … Complete anonymity brings a certain powerful confidence — the ability to say anything, and that’s what I wanted. It is far easier for me to be “outgoing” with strangers than people I know, and that’s always been the case. As with most bloggers, I wanted to vent.

But relatively shortly thereafter, as I realized this was really fun, and as I let more friends have the URL, I found myself censoring myself more and more. Not censoring me really, or masking who I am, but rather, selectively not writing about things that I do, or the way I feel about something — generally things that I know someone else will be likely to read and take issue with.

I hadn’t really thought about whether that censorship also entails more smoothing out or editing of my posts until I read mopsa’s post about her own ability to flounder, both in person and in blog.

I love when she says “life is accidental. This blog was an accident.”

I’d like to think I’m just as “smooth” in real life as I am in blog. That is to say, sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not. It’s accidental, or coincidental. Human interaction isn’t really one of my stronger points, but I think I do have moments. Blogging is probably like that too. On the other hand, I also tend to be one of those people who likes to edit as I write, going back to the beginning of the paragraph or sentence over and over again before hitting submit. So maybe I’m not smooth at all in real life. Or maybe my editing screws up the smoothness just as often as it helps it. Or maybe this concept of “smooth” needs to be thought about and more clearly defined before it becomes entirely meaningless semantically.

I wanted to make the blog to poetry metaphor here, but instead I find myself thinking that blogging is more like improv theater. I’ve got a situation, the blog, and I’ve taken suggestions from the web, or other blogs I’ve read, or sometimes real life … and here I am, busy converting them to scenes of great hilarity, or sadness, or both.

I laughed, I cried, I blogged…

If the big S were here he’d say: “All the web’s a stage, and all bloggers merely players.”

recent browser discovery 2.0

Another browser discovery, this time for OSX. Apple has released a public beta of their new web browser, Safari. It seems speedy (their main claim), and renders well all the sites I’ve thrown at it so far (not many), but it lacks several of the features that make mozilla my browser of choice on a mac. The number 1 missing feature is tabs. I’ve become so used to having tabs that using a window-based browser is nearly unthinkable for me. Browsing without tabs is somehow like a stunted version of the real thing.

When I browse without tabs, I tend to surf one site at a time, in a very linear fashion. Usually I am more goal oriented, and focused. I suppose this could be perceived as a good thing, but in my mind, it’s not. I like to open new tabs whenever I come across something that I might want to look at. When I’m browsing without tabs, my clickthrough threshold is much higher. I wouldn’t bother with a link I might want to read. If it’s not something I’m definitely looking for, I don’t even look at it twice. Thus, with tabs, I’m learning more, and exploring more.

I can’t say I think much of Safari’s interface, which has the brushed metal look of iTunes and the other iCrap series apps. (I do thoroughly enjoy iTunes, and some of the other products aren’t bad either, but none of them — with the exception of iTunes — have been good enough to replace the apps I used to use for the same purposes.) Anyway, it does block popups, and search google in a google-bar-like search box.

There is one other new-seeming feature, the “Snapback” button. Supposedly it’ll bring you “back” to either the typed URL, or clicked bookmark. I think it should recognize search result pages, and take you back to one of those too, but that’s just my opinion. I’d have to really use it to see know if it’s a worthwhile addition, and at this point I’m skeptical.

The new year is upon us (me)

I have had a strange week. Not so much in deed or event, but in emotion and intellectual turmoil. My mind is running in circles and yapping at its tail.

New Year’s eve itself was nothing too terribly special, time spent groping good friends, called my mom at 2AM, that kind of thing.

When we first got back from Texas, I ran around town looking for Super Bubble Pop, the new puzzle game for gamecube, but couldn’t find it, so I ordered it from Amazon. It’s pretty fun. A new twist on the genre. I also ordered Ballistic, another puzzle game for the gameboy color, (I played it in texas, it’s fun!) and the Afterburner, an install-it-yourself backlight kit for the gameboy advance. And then today, the day I get the afterburner in the mail wouldn’t you know it, Nintendo announced the new style gameboy, which is backlit, and folds up into a 3″ square when not in use. It’s coming out in March here in the states, so I’ll probably have to get one. (We’ve been debating getting a second gb to play linked up anyway.)

After new year’s, I skipped out on working the last couple days of the week, and lazed about, ostensibly sick at home. Unfortunately there was some truth to it, as I was fighting off some kind of flu I made worse by Scuba diving.

I’m going to write a novel. That’s my new year’s resolution. So far I really only have a theme (and about 2000 words). I was at first hoping that plot would just sort of develop itself, but now I realize that doesn’t actually happen in the universe in which I exist. I need to at least plan something out and aim it in that direction. I just haven’t gotten around to deciding what that plan will be yet.

I think I’ve procrastinated blogging for the past week because I really really desperately wanted to get my about page all up and working, but I didn’t actually want to tackle the work that would take to accomplish. Well, I started tackling it yesterday, and to install the blogtimes plugin that I wanted, I’d have to also install at least two perl modules, so that’s either on hold or dead in the water. I still have yet to begin the process for MTWordStats, but at least I’ve already downloaded and am resigned to installing the two perl modules for that one. (It’s more word-related, so I’m willing to work a little harder at it–understand, I thought the blogtimes plugin would be easier to install, that’s why I tried it first.)

The only other news is work related. My boss has found a new job, and is leaving sometime in the next two weeks. She has been one of the only things keeping this job tolerable, (notice I didn’t say enjoyable), so I have no idea how things will change when she leaves. Wish me luck.