Archive for December, 2001

well, it’s new year’s eve.

well, it’s new year’s eve. parties are like assholes.

I want to go and “kiss the girls”.

Other than google’s nice little logo-festivity, I wonder what other parts of the web change for new year’s. I’d be willing to bet not many. I like the fact that google changes appearances on the holidays. It reminds you that it’s there underneath everything, working full time, indexing it’s little ass off.

I paged through their job openings today. Nothing I qualify for. Looks like they’re pretty attached to their diplomas over there. I suppose I should finish that off someday. I’m hoping the new benefits (which actually include tuition reimbercement) will help out with that…

oh yeah, remember that raise

oh yeah, remember that raise I was getting? not anymore. I’m getting a fraction of it. (It’s still a raise, though any enthusiasm I’d felt for it is now obliterated by the fact that I’m not getting nearly as much.)

yeah, I’m cranky.

every year before christmas, I

every year before christmas, I think to myself, I’ll buy some christmas lights for my room as soon as christmas is over, because they’re always on sale then!, and every year, when christmas is over, I’m sick of christmas lights.

morning is obnoxious.

morning is obnoxious.

blogger has been down and

blogger has been down and up and hacked and back… I changed my pw, even though I use blogspot. It’s interesting to note which sites think something happening to blogger is newsworthy. (ok, I could only find one, and admitedly, it was before I made this post!)

I just discovered blogdex. It’s fascinating. Many of the currently “most popular” are things I’ve seen before, but some not. A simmilar discoverty to The Internet Archive, which has a cheezy name for their coolest feature (The WayBackMachine) which allows you to view webpages as they once were… There is so much there to digest! (but I’ve found it’s often busy.)

This is something I’ve noticed lately. It used to be that there was always too much science fiction to read. Far too much to get through. Now I still feel that way, (I can think of three or four books scratching holes in the back of my brain–where the ‘unread list’ hides) but there is a new list too, a “to read/view online” list, and it’s been growing steadily as I blog more often. Partly, this list was always there… I mean, there are a hundred thousand script sites, and tutorials that I want to get to, and I have a list of regular news sources that I get too far less regularly than I’d like… but the list has grown… or rather, there are new subsets or something. the “from blogging” category is threatening to take over. I’ve started to read blogs before bedtime. (a period normally notable for my lack of coherance as I stumble from the livingroom couch to my bed, fumbling at the power button on my PS2 in between.)

Maybe I’ve just been hungry for a new passion and I’m hoping this will satiate some of that desire. I don’t know. I do know I haven’t been writing as much, and Laura blames my recent gaming adiction on the fact that work has been stressful. I think she’s partly right, but partly I’ve been bored. I need passion! I need something to get fired up about. Blogging has nothing to do with it, but maybe reading blogs does… maybe not. But maybe, just maybe, blogging will get me interested in the internet again. There was this article on slashdot linking a relatively dumb apnews story about the commericalization of the internet, and just how much of it is owned by corperations, (and fewer corporations than in past years). Strangely, this article just made me thankful for the server space I have, knowing that even though hardly anyone reads it, it’s still there… that’s the difference between the internet and, say… TV… when corporations took over TV, they pushed out the little guys. with the internet, (sure some toes get squashed) but for the most part the little guys can still be there! The actual article does cite some pretty large toe-squashings though.

how do you find time

how do you find time to blog? I never seem to. I have to snatch it from the edges of my day, fitting it in the cracks unevenly, like poorly matched puzzle pieces.

do you listen to the

do you listen to the songs stuck in your head? Hum along? Or do you try and get rid of them, as I do. Sometimes listening to them works, sometimes you have to listen to another annoying song.

I was going to write

I was going to write some stupid little blurb about introspection, and how often I feel like I’m just staring off into space at parties, wondering what I look like to other people, but I decided that’s stupid. (not the staring off into space, or even the wondering what other people think of me, but the little blurb about introspection.) Except now that I’ve mentioned it, the blurb is probably over, and I’ve done it, stupid or not.

I could spout on about Final Fantasy X. That’s what’s kept me from sleep all night. It’s actualy going to be nine thirty in the AM any minute now, and I haven’t slept since about 11:00AM yesterday. Well, I did nod off for about an hour durring this one particularly puzzling part in a temple where I was suppose to move these stones around and open the door… (but the camera angle didn’t make it obvious there was a whole staircase I could use… and I didn’t figure it out until I made a trip to gamefaqs, and read ahead a bit in one of their walkthroughs.

Dynasty Warriors 3 had almost taken Grand Theft Auto 3’s place as my current favorite game. But I have to admit FFX is amazing from an aesthetic standpoint. It’s simply beautiful.

I have only one christmas present left to purchase for my family gifts to be complete. I should also try and get something for Laura before tuesday, and if I were really on the ball, I’d have something for a couple of other friends as well. I was thinking about getting her a palm pilot (she has mentioned interest in that area), but that’s what I got for my girlfriend last year at christmas, and I think there’s something about that situation that’s just wrong…

my entire life in blog.

my entire life in blog. I’ve never wanted fame. Maybe a recognition from peers I admire. An “oh, I know who THAT guy is!” every once in awhile might be cool, but otherwise, who cares who knows you?

I’ve been cultivating the concept that there are two states of self awareness. (with infinite shades between, of course) The first is an inner understanding of the workings. The details, knowing why you do things, and how you make the decisions you make. The second state is merely being aware of the things as they happen. Suprising yourself at times, living life more fully perhaps, or at least more passionately. Maybe I’m just re-inventing the extrovert/introvert dichotomy, but I don’t think so because it seems like a person can be an entirely introverted person and still life life for the experience, and care nothing for the why.

This is of course related to blogging. I ask myself repeatedly why I blog. In fact, I probably ask myself that far more often than I actually do it! I ask the same question of everything I do… and I usually have good answers for myself. (now, as to whether I’m rationalizing, or actually discovering those answers, I’m not sure even I can know.)

At the same time, I’ve been loosing that sense of wonder when I ask. More often as of late, the answer is “who cares?”. Perhaps the biggest why question recently has been why do I play video games. I’ll fully acknowledge that I have an addiction. It’s pretty severe even. I’ve skipped work to play. Sometimes, the why question is entirely absent. I don’t even care. I just want to play this game, or go see this movie, or go have sex, or go do THAT.

I think my poetry is somehow deeply tied to the root of the why question. I used to think I was manic depressive, and I’d only really write when I was at the low and high ends. The best stuff was when I was manic, and the worst when I was depressed. But there were “sane” stretches in between where I wouldn’t really do anything at all, and I wondered if that’s what it was suppose to feel like… just living. Not really doing anything special or particular. I feel that way more and more. Just eeking out an existence. The worst part is that it’s really not disturbing. In fact, I feel no remorse, or I’d change things. If I really wanted to be a famous writer (as I secretly wish everytime I see the clock at 11:11), I’d just fucking write. I wouldn’t play video games, and I wouldn’t juggle three times a week.

Juggling is very much on the “who cares” end of the spectrum, I think.

I wonder if you can read someone’s blog, and make a judgement about where on the scale they fall. I wonder if this even makes sense to anyone but me.

Comments should be working in the next fifteen minutes or so. Tell me what you think?

Today was decent.. involved. a

Today was decent.. involved. a good day. a meaningful day. I said goodbye to those aforementioned co-workers, and we all went out for lunch and drinks. Drinks evolved into drunken discussions, which are sometimes (seldom, I’ve found, but were today) the best kind of discussions, because they are open and uninhibited.

I also found out I’ve got a raise. This from our new boss… who did not attend the goodbye party. This spoke much about her, I think, and, at least for now, I’ve a newfound respect. Perhaps, she was not invited.

This was mentioned on blogger (itself!) but I’ll reproduce the link because I found it fascinating. Keep Trying is a blog seemingly devoted to blogging about blogging. Meta blogging? It’s a popular discussion topic. Someone mentioned it’s really something only newbie bloggers do, but I’m not so sure. If you don’t keep examining yourself, how do you know who you are? Do those who no longer blog about blogging no longer realize they are blogging? Is it merely something they “do” as habbit, as ritual, as instinct? (Yes, instinct can be learned.)

I suddenly had an epiphany… I can host my comments script on, and still keep my blog on blogspot. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me before. I’m probably just an idiot.

We’ll see if I can get that done tonight, but I’m still drunk. Thousands of open source programmers can’t be wrong though, and I’ll probably do a better job while I’m drunk.