difficult challenges of love

[I was just thinking I should really have some kind of warning for when I’ll be talking about my sexual perversions… I’m actually thinking about marking all my posts where I talk about sex with a new category or something. For now this will have to do. Warning! Perversion ahead!!!]

Laura and I have this book where all the pages are stuck together… wait, not like that… the pages are stuck together so you have to pull them apart to read their contents. Every once in awhile we pull two pages from the book, and we each read one of them, and surprise each other with whatever sex act it describes. The book says you should do it in the next week, but as busy people we haven’t had as much time for it lately. Anyway, the last one I pulled was just about oral sex, and I was a bit disappointed, (even though I’m sure it’s necessary to put something like that in there, as I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t do it.) The only thing I took from the page was this bit about spelling the alphabet with your tongue on her clitoris. (Laura liked that one until I started saying the letter as I was spelling it… heh.)

So anyway, I’m really only writing about this because I was just trying to write a poem (failing), and I came up with the idea of trying to write my own list of “sex challenges”. (BTW, if you search for “sex challenges” on google you come up with a list of all kinds of challenges to cases of sex offenders and stuff like that, so don’t bother… we’re going to have to be more sophisticated in our searching in the future.)

Anyway, my list so far is ridiculous, but I would like to write one where the goals are actually possible. Here’s the three I came up with so far: (you’ll see that the names were really the most important part.)

screwdriving — screwing while drunk on screwdrivers in a construction site with screwdrivers in the vicinity. (Your house, if it’s sufficiently torn apart will count in a pinch.)
yoyoing — hanging upside down from your ankles and doin’it.
test(icle)tubing — sex on an inner tube while sliding down a hill in the snow wearing only mad scientist costumes. (Alternately you could be pulled by a boat on a lake.)

It strikes me that I’d really just be writing a really fucked up purity test. I remember the first time I took a purity test it was at this big party… and by the time the question “[Have you ever] Used this test as a checklist for things to do.” I somehow already had! The details are fuzzy now, but I think we’d been group kissing or something equally innocuous. Actually, it’s possible I’m only thinking about the question where it asks you if you’ve ever lied on a purity test (and of course I already had)… who can remember back that far!?!

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