relationship redux, effort and compromise

Relationships are fucked. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. I prefer to err on the side of “do” myself, but it’s not always up to me.

I spent the last hour or two reading through a bunch of Home Detention Lady’s posts, (thanks for the comment!) and thinking about relationships in general.

I would like to think that any two people in the world are a potential match. Any two people could “make it work” with enough compromise and effort. I think those are the kickers. These are the deal breakers.

With 100% effort and 100% compromise, I could date anyone in the world. But I’m not about to do either, and especially not right away. I’m probably not going to make more than a 5% effort in the first month of a given relationship, and screw compromise in the early stages… if we can’t find common ground, then it’s just not worth it.

But I think the longer you stay with someone, the more of both a relationship needs. The more you know about someone, about their habits, about their “flaws”, about the character traits that you don’t immediately adore and admire–the more compromises you are going to have to make in both principal and your vision of that “ideal relationship” that everyone has floating around in their heads. And also as time passes, more effort is required to maintain an acceptable relationship for both parties. Effort to stay in synch with the wants and needs of your partner. I think this is absolutely a natural state of affairs.

But of course, as the levels of effort and compromise required to maintain a relationship change, people re-evaluate. I think all too often, “people” (not talking specifics here, ha!) think that they’ll find the perfect person, with whom they never have to make any compromises.

One Reply to “relationship redux, effort and compromise”

  1. I totally agree with you. I think we are raised with messed up ‘prince charming’ and hot sexpot expectations and relationships are real and raw and not really princely or hot after a while. I realized a long time ago that no one will make me hot every day for the rest of my life. And I’ll never thrill anyone else every day for the rest of my life. Things about me are ugly and unpredictable and hurtful and just hard. What I decided to do, for me, was to just choose. I mean, ultimately that’s what you do. You don’t settle. You choose. And the best you can do is choose the best possible person to spend your days with. Someone who’ll challenge you and maybe make you better. And someone you respect enough to deal with their dark side or their idiosyncracies or embarrassments or flaws. I think we fuck our kids up by giving them the impression that another person can make them whole and then they can spend a lifetime of happily ever after. That’s bullshit. The best you can do is be whole BEFORE you choose that person. And choose someone with some self awareness. And then be respectful. And create a safe place for both parties to figure out the rest of their shit. Unfortunately, no one really talks about that. We take bullshit cosmo quizzes and we lie about how much sex we have and we cheat. But we don’t address the real issues and, as a result, as a culture, we don’t fix them. I feel for single people. I really do. It’s a fucking jungle out there.

    Oh. And grid, dear. . .even with 100% effort and 100% compromise there’d be no future for you and me.


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